There Is No Use Anymore.

 

    

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting in a small, extremely depressing café area that was part of my partner's university, waiting for her class to end. The place was swarmed with the same copy-paste modern university student that continues to fuel the ever-present sense of doom and despair and hopelessness I feel for the future of the human race. Try as I might to be totally unaffected by the future of humanity, to view it as all one big meaningless dirge into the grave with nothing mattering or lasting or really being of any long-term significance whatsoever - I just can't turn my feelings off, I can't numb myself to it anymore, and I can't find a way to not feel intense dread for the future. Deep down I know that it is within my own power to make something worthwhile of my life, and I have surprisingly succeeded in certain ways and achieved aspects of a life that may be worth living according to my own terms, but I also am well aware of how little control I have over most things that operate secretively or not-so-secretively in this world. Humanity is a plague and it is only becoming more and more idiotic and divided and angry and destructive and short-sighted. This wasn't all what I was necessarily thinking while I sipped at my strange tasting coffee and trying and failing to focus on reading, but a sense of overwhelmingly dire fear and panic started to well up inside me the longer I sat there. At one point I attempted to write creatively, I felt that strange and tragically rare pull to create but then...nothing. I attempted a poem, I started off with two lines;

"The days unfold into the next

As the numbing sunlight spills into -"

Then I stopped and crossed that out, because it didn't mean anything and it wasn't creative and it wasn't leading to anything that came close to how I was feeling or to anything at all really. And the self-hatred flooded in. So I stopped, I looked around at all of the dulled, waxen faces. The swollen, sagging smiles and the drooping, colorless eyes. A pack of Tabula rasas, awaiting the ideologically/politically charged idiots in charge to fill up their brains with their prepackaged, committee approved lectures and views on the modern world. And no matter what level of education, no matter what complexity of the course, no matter the age of the student or their past academic experiences (or lack thereof), everyone must march forward towards a degree so the next batch of students ready to fork over an undeserved amount of cash into the pockets of the university higherups get processed through without any struggle, strife, or intellectual challenge. Only to be spat back into the world with their noxious little skulls overflowing with ill-informed perceptions of the world around them. Little soldiers trained not for jobs, but for useless cries for activism that will placate their empty, insignificant existence. The free-thinkers, the socially awkward, the outsiders, the intellectually or creatively gifted that go to university to actually learn and broaden their perspectives and knowledge get beaten down, ostracized, silenced, and cast further out. There is no place for you anymore if you don't follow the ever-shifting status quo. There is no place amongst the struggling youth unless you take up a call to arms to useless, meaningless social issues that require no real effort, thought, or works of altruistic, selfless activism. The real problems of the world are ignored again and again, the real horrors silenced or shifted away for trivial, selfish nonsense. Go to university and put up another propaganda sign about the saving graces of Marxism but god forbid you show your fellow students of differing viewpoints or backgrounds any modicum of respect, compassion, or understanding. The world needs to lend all university students their eyes and ears NOW before we succumb to apocalypse, but the university student can be asked of nothing in return. No challenging those recently formed beliefs from your teacher who is terrified of saying one wrong thing and losing their job. All because no student shall be left behind. We all have to race towards a degree and permeate through the jobless, over-populated, economic shambles of the world. And everyone is going to suffer. It is too much and there is no use and there is nothing that can be done. 

So with that flooding my thoughts and causing my chest to tighten and my heart to palpitate and my brain waves to feel sensory overload...I hastily wrote the following down: 

            There is no use anymore. 

The world's plague of uncertainty, doubt, disgust, division, and apathy spreads further and deeper into the roots of humanity by the day. And there is nothing to be done as there has never been anything to do and will never be anything one could do. Humanity disgracefully marches on in the midst of its disgusting, ugly and perpetual display of self-destruction. Preservation remains as the primary goal for most, yet they all seem either too ignorant or too narrow-minded or perhaps too scared to look at themselves directly, strip themselves of their slipping masks of free will and individuality and come to terms with humans being the problem. Quick to point fingers and scapegoat a section of humanity representative as one hive-minded entity, switch it to the next that fits whatever current issue, and call out for violence, elimination, or other such flippant dramatics, but they're unable to see that such a concern is to desire preservation of their ideal sections of humanity; the ones that, on that given day, fall in line with their short-sighted ideology. And what exactly does the preservation of humanity ultimately guarantee? only more suffering, more chances for those almighty opponents of your ideology and social causes to emerge, to develop hierarchies, uphold power and ensue further suffering against your cause. Division carries on, hierarchies develop no matter what, and the morally bankrupt and idiotic black and white, us vs them mentality perseveres as more get slaughtered, more get abused, more commit suicide, more get shot up, raped, cut up, run over, starved to death, beaten, and stuffed down the stinking rotting infectious hole of humanity. Humanity slits its own wrist and sews itself back up before willingly ripping out the stitches and forcing open the wound for all to see. And the more it does so, the more infected the wound becomes, the less vibrant the blood, the fewer stitches to mend, and the more haphazard and desperate the stitching becomes. There's no use, we've always been on a path of self-destruction as a species and maybe the best thing we could do for all of us, the entire globe, and all other more important walks of life that are on it and hopefully will be on it after us, is to give in to one more final slash all the way down the length of humanity's abused, inflamed, wormy vein and let it bleed out. 

I am not sure if any of that made any sense, really, but it was what I put down and how I felt. 

Soundtracks for writing this: 

Atrium Carceri & Kammarheit - Colossus

Lustmord - Other