Poetry Attempt: A Continued Dedication to My Fellow Undead

What's there left to say? Reality is overwhelming sadistic and I, once again, find myself utterly lost in the search for a reason why I have to submit to the dirge of existence. Although, that's not entirely true. There is something that is keeping me here, satiating my impossibly grand need for validation and purpose, something to make me properly feel. But it is never that simple, never that easily obtainable or easy to maintain and keep close, and always acts as a terrifying reminder of the recent past that has all but severed my sanity and utterly dismembered my ability to put my trust in others. However, as time slowly progresses I feel like my usual overly bleak outlook on all things is being tested - which is a terrifying and strange notion for me to grapple with, but is most likely a good thing all the same. It's still difficult and all is not quite there and is filled to the brim with agonizing unknowns. Nothing is simple ever. I suppose the following nonsense confession is a reflection of all of this and is a continued dedication to a person that makes me feel. It's all very strange and nonsensical, as it always is and always will be. 

 

A Hole in the World

Fading hues

A monochromatic slipstream 

Is all anything is

In this searing void of your absence.

Muscles loosening to a pop

Bloodflow slowed to a crippled crawl

A cacophony of cracked necks

I’m holding fast to the fleeting sensations

Our bodies aggressively dissolve together

At the foot of the mountain motel

Bed of nails for my lover

Rising into the fragrant haze

I’m held between your scars

Your face expands.

Watching you dress

In damp fog and cigarette smoke

A glimmer in your rictus teeth

Reflects my planned exodus

Gnawed lips part

“Eyes the body”

I can’t wait to escape into your dust. 

Forced away from our “special place”

Of careening carrion hills

And grease paint dripping from weeping pines

A nightly bazaar of abandoned gas stations

Happily ignored starvation 

And carnal desire distended to the brink of mania

Your raven hair communes

With angelic obelisks

Their faces inverted and sucking in 

Our catastrophic starcrossed shadows

Leaving us in our own secret domain

Only just for a moment

Just to spit us back out

Alone. 

Now I don’t know how to exist

Ink smeared, I’m coughing up narcotic phlegm

Lining myself with paper cuts

From the pages I wrote for you

Dejected attempts at expression 

Time will sink us all

I just can’t do it on my own

Everything slips away

I’m pulling my hair out every chance I get

Hoping one of these putrid strands

Will pluck out my brain

From the polluted mire, the nightmare chasm

The grand bone structure of emptiness

And unending self-doubt

Perched uneasily atop my withering spine. 

No more of this distance

Target the source of misery 

And saw the head of the world off

I’ll crawl inside the oceanic spurting wound

Curl up in fetal position 

And await you to join me 

In the hole in the world I’ve made for you

Let mortality gnaw at us

The final cosmic implosion awaits

Close your eyes, I’ll consume all birth and death

Of anything left moving

A plight to steel myself 

Against the infested rot 

Seeping from the dregs of this disgusting little sphere

Disintegrating in devouring space

I’ll drown in it all 

So you don’t have to

We’ll test the limits of eternity

Toiling with our limbs interlocked 

In the hole in the world 

I forced us in. 

Shifting my blood-stained pillows

In my little cradle of apocalypse 

Watching skipping kewpies

Bloodied in the torrent of your eyes 

I look at you 

The flames close in 

Snow falls, burning my skin I’m offering up to you

Everything becomes impossible to explain 

My hands lost

In the crisscrossing sinew 

Trying to pull out the last threads of my heart 

To feed this fading image of you

Do you even exist?

[I’m terrified to the brink

Of panicked collapse 

To utter I love you,

Striking an agreed commitment 

To the fall].

Governed by the past, events that 

Still possesses tortuous ghosts 

That assail all my dreams and bore their fears

Into all my reopened keloids

Like a starved army of botflies 

Ready to marionette my hollowed carcass

Move past it

Eliminate the issue

All I want is to dream of you

In our cyclopean cities 

With our tongues deliquescing

Under mountains and graves

And gas attacks

Welding our flesh together

But it’s all so tragically short-lived.  

So look for me instead

In the enfolding pocket of collapsing earth

Submerged in the weighted air of opium

And gathered limbs piling around me

Broken at obtuse angles and spinning the gears

Of these painful final isolating moments

I’ll wait forever for you 

The only faction of my violently bisected reality 

That has made any sense 

I’m rotting in the last hole in the world 

Small enough for the two of us to become entangled 

As we gauze up the multitude of gashes 

We’ve found each other with

On that fated night 

Of trauma hounds

And smothered hope.

Please join me in this final escape,

I can’t do any of this alone.