Poetry Attempt: Wax Doll Elegy

 The following started off with a few lines that were haphazardly written while attempting to write the previous poem I published here. Both poems were written in random bursts of creativity with no real thought of how to connect them or what to do with them. Initially, I wanted it to be one long poem but as I began writing it something else entirely came out of me - which led to the poem I wrote yesterday. I could have kept going and combined the two poems after all, but what became of the first part was so radically different in intention and purpose that it would feel wrong to put the two together. Not that I am about to state what either are about, but hopefully it's clear why they wouldn't work together. However, most of - well, all of - what I write comes from a similar place of confusion and worries and uses similar imagery and vocabulary. Maybe because I am woefully uncreative and I just simply rewrite the same thing constantly in slightly different ways. I don't know. None of my poems seem to me to have much of a purpose. It's all nonsense and I don't know why I am even explaining this other than the reason that I've gotten used to writing up something before the actual poem. No one cares. 

“Destroy it all

It’s all untrue

How can I even breathe

Without you?”

- Michael Gira

Wax Doll Elegy

Starcrossed underneath a napalm sky

Theremin eulogy plays out

Walls stretch out into trick-r-treating stars

A cackling and grinning imprisonment

Destined for decay

And reformation into impossible geometry

Haunted by the primordial ache

For connection and shared silence. 

Forced into existence

Out of the ruins of my own fractured brain folds 

And cured, strung-out veins

I can do nothing but watch 

Oranges and sickly greens blossom 

In the infested clouds raining down

As cloaked figures with sharply exposed spines

Churn my guts

Out through ancient typewriters

The incessant clicking and corroded letters 

Floating and stinging

At the spelling out of my fate.  

There’s no gathering, 

No one’s left

My brand-new eyes float up through 

Shapeless dreams 

And scan the puddle of wax

Burning and shaping a new horizon

A desperate plight to reach inward 

Claw my way through the incineration

And find your becoming

But my waxen face crumbles

The wind sings out through the voice of death

Formless apparitions hold me at a distance 

Crucifying me in the abyssal depths 

Of my own making. 

The dust on my ceiling is squelching 

In whispers

Urging me to cut in deeper 

Decline further into my planned nothingness 

Go for the throat and eviscerate this life away

Sail into the budding napalm sky 

And hang my neck from mocking signs in the stars

She’s poisoned my dreams eternally

I’m happily slicing my veins with her breath.

Then the panic covers me 

Like a pulsating blister

And rolls my mind into the search for destruction.

I want to want nothing

Cancer is hopefully awaiting me

A shorn scalp, IV drip of mud

Resting my swinging head on the 

Cradling lap of the abyss

Is it so much to ask to no longer be here?

The increasingly hopeless curse

Of being awake

What am I after all of this

But not me at all?

In desperation, I clutch at a rusted nail

Pinned in the deepening chasms of my porous heart

Dead cat teeth wrapped in wire

Tied around the remaining tendrils of my nervous system

Replacing my collarbone with scrap metal

The room sinks into the expanding puddle of wax

Dripping celestial trees, laced with blackness

Burgeoning out of what will become your eyes

What inhabits you 

Is a wandering soul flitting through 

All the gloom leaden mist 

Weighing down into the earth

And populating the resurrection of the beautiful dead

You are bleached animal bones

And perfumed twine 

That I need to stitch up the bisections of my flesh

Where I shoved rotten metal 

And cigarette butts into the open pathway of my veins

I’m unforming, liquifying

Burdening the creators of my maligned form

But you’re somewhere on the margins

Of the everlasting night 

Beckoning me out of imprisonment

And back into the world. 

Grab my face

And let me swallow ink through the holes in your head

Allow me to tattoo the note you left for me

Into my knotted-up insides

And tell me,

Once you’re here

And you find my decay lost in the woods

What will you create of me? 

I saw the way you looked at me

With screeching moonlight

And windswept foliage in your doll-black eyes

An embrace of inseparable, entwined sufferings

I’m hiding within your haunted house

Searching for a way 

To transform my head

Into your brimming anticipation

And the boiling, sometimes troubling, elation

I gleam off of your gaze

Despite it all.

Nothing is consistent 

There’s always an intensifying flood

Flowing into the jagged edges of all of my fears
Drowning me in self-immolating sludge

But you’re on the edge of it all

Vibrating and dazzling

While I’m lingering in apocalyptic nightmare nonsense

And a past that ceaselessly shreds my sanity

I know this can’t be it. 

My little wax doll

Help me go on 

Eradicate what I once was

Burn all the stars into my remaining skin

Unfold and bloom out of the pores of my hate

May my void find solace in the tempering oasis

Locked away with your impossible existence. 

As the universe collides into

The chemical dawn

And my world and self fall away

I stare into the puddle

And fear nothing. There’s no hesitation 

When I reach in and voluntarily burn myself 

On the wax of which you’re formed.