A Continuation of Self-Pity and Reguritations of the Past

 This is a sort of "part two" to the previous poem I posted on here. It's about the same shit, as always, but I wrote these segments of nonsense poetry close enough to each other that I figured that they somewhat complement each other. One was rooted more heavily in the past and the following one is more involved with the present while also being informed by the same past touched upon in the previous writing. Does that make any sense? No? Oh well. 

Part One:

https://manintheradiator.blogspot.com/2024/01/poetry-attempt-begin-anew-but-nothings.html

art by Nicola Samori

Untitled Tormentor

I’m stuck in a foreign library

In a foreign city

Littered with seated headless statues

Plumes of fetid smoke 

Disintegrating stained-glass ceilings,

All mocking my personal implosion 

As I forcibly shed my blood,

Try and fail

To distance myself from you,

Busying myself with a tired rearrangement 

Of my life’s destruction

Into meaningless, sardonic little words

Ready to impale themselves

At every pathetic stroke of my decaying pen. 

Ancient light fixtures begin to flash

Tips of my skinned fingers 

Throb with cloudy ink 

And droplets of crepuscular tears

Staining my pages, ruining any semblance of meaning

I dig my hands 

Into the aphotic depths of my tired eyes 

As your name drips from the walls 

Forcing me to face

That the End is approaching. 

Cello strings plucked loudly,

Weaved through and pulled out of 

Roaring cadavers 

In dissonant waves of 

Wailing sound,

Accompany my lonely weeping

In the domed, hollowed library

Stretching in and out of time,

As I fail to make sense of 

Why my days here,

My time with you,

Came to such an agonizing,

Reality-destroying, 

Perception altering,

Irrevocably damaged 

End.

-

Months later, further still

But never at enough of a distance 

I’m speeding down the highway

Rolling my exploded tires 

Over fragmented flashes of memory anguish

And toppled, ringing, rusted bronze.

The clouds descend

Like heavy, leaking body bags

Unnamed man rushes towards me

Through rancid smoke 

And fogging chaos,

I watch him reform from concrete

And roadkill’s bleached intestinal tracts.

His pores leak used jet fuel, transatlantic sludge,

While the scars down his wrists

Mark the final hour. 

Scrawled across his hideous new flesh

Are crisscrossing tattooed inscriptions,

Esoteric swirling symbols

Breathing with his inhuman blood flow,

Mapping out a detailed plan

For self-annihilation, and total

Mortal 

Separation.

He’s rapidly catching up

No matter what I do

Or who I come to know,

He’s here to remind me;

Final moments were predestined to

A sickening culmination of increasingly 

Violent confrontations

Between the razor blade 

And

My veins. 

An itching desire takes hold, 

Rare call to arms,

To speed past,

Roll down my window,

Face the cascading vortex in his eyes,

Scream and regurgitate all my sticky, barbed-up sorrows

And misanthropic aggressions

Right into his malformed, incinerating head,

Consume his unearthly flame

And await the big cosmic gun

To answer my rise to action

And blast my face completely apart.

A fractured, unquiet skull

Blanketed with falling shredded sheets

Of my bullet-torn flesh,

Left in the heavy torrent of 

My brain matter and gore, 

Assailing firmament of tar-like snow

Filling in my reopened 

Neck hole

Feeding my internal, infernal, immortal worms

With the unbearable reality 

Of my existence unwanted,

Rejected,

Despondent, alone,

And left in the apocalyptic remains 

Tailored to my self-imposed suffering. 

-

It’s all gone on for far too long

I can’t even bring forth

My long-ago-planned destruction 

Without a guiding hand.

I’ll forever ache for a suicidal love,

Someone to accept and understand

The ultimate romantic gesture 

Lies in the act of ending their life 

With mine. 

Yet,

I’m constantly ready to tear it all apart

Whenever anyone I love

Gets too close.

Leaving a final malignancy to take hold - 

The only one I ever expended all earthly effort

To keep entwined with me eternally

Turned their back at my overwhelming, 

Compounding, untamable, boundless love,

And ruptured it into a devouring

Sightless oblivion 

Of no foreseeable end. 

-

I can’t take it,

You truly have no memory of any of this,

Would you ever understand how desperately 

I never wanted to leave?

-