Failed Poetry Attempt: Continuation of a Poisoned Past

 It's been a while since I have really been able to finish any piece of writing. It's been a while since I have really had any sort of urge to write. It's been a while since I even had any ideas whatsoever. It could simply be a lull in my creativity and productivity, which is always bound to happen - especially after what has been a significantly productive period of my life in terms of writing poetry. It could be that my extremely shallow well of ideas has finally run dry, something that I thought had happened many times over already. It could be that my condition has worsened beyond my understanding, leaving me a hollow, thoughtless, numb husk of wasted space. Without my ability to write, my purpose on this earth is rendered void and I might as well finally do what I've said I'd do for most of my life now; snuff it out, end it all, force myself head first past the precipice of nonexistence. Maybe I have blood clots forming in my brain, maybe my brain is slowly rotting and turning to thoughtless sludge inside my stupid little skull. Whatever the reason, I am now forcing myself to write down what are basically leftover lines and ideas from previous attempts at writing. And combining that all with a recent exercise in automatic writing makes for the utterly useless, tired, and uninspired block of text that awaits below. Once again, I am writing of the same old shit. The more time passes, the further I get away from it all, the more it hurts when it all comes back to me. It's inescapable, it'll be my final undoing. I'm hopelessly addicted to reliving the pain of my past. It will end someday, but that will be long after I'm gone. 

Agony Addiction

Eradicated, made way for 

A tomb of all dreams decayed

All time hanged from pale, snapped necks

Smashed stained glass mosaics

Rivets through upside-down roses 

I stepped inside to dispose of all declarations of love,

Set all my feeble, futile, abused little words alight,

Giving you the excuse for ultimate severance 

Now it’s all frozen ash,

After we fell apart.

I’m nothing but fading fragments 

Lost and dejected 

Struggling for breath,

Foolishly holding on to life

All forever lost 

In that grand insect sea, dispossessed 

From all memories of the past. 

Long ago lobotomized

Yet I still dream of you

And only you.

Hypnogogic whirlwind

All strained limbs twist and writhe

As you heave yourself out of my scar tissue,

With all your features crystalline 

Frozen in marbled beauty 

In falsehoods 

And deluded pangs of memories,

Framed in frayed doll hair,

Cracked porcelain smiles,

An endless queue of leaking used syringes.

I’ll brutalize my scalp with your left-behind fingernails,

Gore myself on all words you hurled against me,

Still never accepting who you are. Who you turned out

To be. 

Torrent of stilted misery 

Crawls up my paralyzed back,

Laughing maggots birthed behind 

My yellowed rotten teeth.

Out of dusty ceiling blades

Descends long, silken braids of tenebrous black,

Trailing down

Obscuring all the dark heavy rings

Imprisoning your eyes.

Reaching out, 

I use it to wrap a hangman’s knot

‘Round my sliced neck.

Infection ensures a scabbed-over seal,

I’ll swing for as long as I can,

It doesn’t matter

Decay already spreads within. 

Find myself still asleep in mortar

Melting between termite-infested

Nightmare architecture

Building up all foreign ruins 

Polluting the fields where I last saw

Your perfect, tired face,

Right before my desired,

But unfulfilled plane crash. 

In thickening claustrophobic air, 

Adrift in a circulating foreign graveyard,

Coiled in your formless dream specter,

Despite all the incalculable pain

Surging forth from your painted fingertips

As they drum rhythmically 

In the maelstrom of my mind,

The last thing I want to do 

Is wake -

To be left alone 

In another blood-stained, meaningless day.

I know I’ll never kick this habit.

Anything you’ve unleashed onto me

Has only been from my

Forthright invitation

Extended to my debilitated memory of you,

Forever allowing a sardonically lovely 

And darkly-illuminated

Visage

To bleed from all my possessions,

From all darkened corners 

In my new confined

Padded room. 

Pale jailers, their backs rigid,

Ribcages bursting through flesh,

Each bone alight with sickly yellow haze,

As they glide emotionlessly 

Down the endlessly twisting hallway

Tasked with injecting innumerable wires

Into my opened, bisected brain,

Line my premature cadaver

With any multitude of different colored syringes,

Each needle larger than the last,

Some lined with interlocking thorns

To not ever be removed 

From my squirming, squelching veins.

They can commit 

Any number of increasingly sadistic

Fruitless experiments,

All to further my body’s impossible spasms,

My bone-snapping twitch,

To heighten my nightmares to unfathomable 

Levels of desperate lunacy,

To toss aside my sanity 

Like a vivisected dog 

Left to rot in the forgotten alleyways 

Of endless, unpopulated nights. 

Yet, no matter what’s left of me,

They’ll never be able to rid 

My mind’s permanent marriage 

To every single painful memory of you,

My devotion to my maligned, doomed love. 

Asylum lights burn out,

I see your eyes in the shifting shadows,

All comes rushing back to me;

I’m retching, curled up in the darkness 

Succumbing to nightmares made flesh 

I’m holding you, crying outside the hospital 

As the leaves fall around us, ignoring our plight

I’m submerging my hands in the bathroom sink,

Practicing my vertical slice

I’m smiling at you, small window to a cemetery behind my head

A future I envisioned, unknowingly collapsing. 

I’m watching you flicker through dismantled city streets

As the only one to ever exist to me

In my escape to a foreign land, my escape into planned salvation 

Never thought to be doomed.

I’m amid turbulence over the Atlantic

Gleefully awaiting the plummet and the crash

I’m choking on fistfuls of prescribed pills 

Watching the light in my bedroom slowly snuff out,

But out of the corner of my swollen eyes 

A golden pavilion cleaves open with inviting light 

Slow pulling of strings, making enormous dirge music

From all the smashed instruments lining the path 

To a final, faceless oblivion 

Devoid of all thought

Devoid of all pain 

Devoid of all love,

But I always wake up 

To each new aborted dawn.

Never wanting to believe

That this is all there is,

I only ever hopelessly miss you,

You’re never coming back.