Failed Poetry Attempt: Another tribute to the person who will never read this

 A messy, unfinished, clunky assemblage of leftover lines and poems I didn't quite know how to make any sense of. Strung together and put to use alongside new, thoughtlessly written regurgitations. It's all the same shit, it's all the same emotions, feelings, messages, whatever. I'm tired and had to get this out like a dead tooth lodged in my infected gums. It doesn't feel any better after the fact, but at least it's all gone. 

Reopened

Our dull October sun 

Festered, hatched 

And miscarried 

Out from my abandoned pile of bones

Still nestled in your smoldering lap. 

It tore through the horizon like an infection

Moonbeams vomit into my dreaming

Every night I can see the end

And its painted porcelain crack 

My face splits open 

A breathless tired scream 

My carved-up limbs tucked away 

Carefully folded in every corner of your forgotten room.

But where are you now? 

I can’t see myself

Without your destructive little mind. 

 

Your last caress sang to me,

I’ve lost it all 

Again. 

How could I have known 

That this gnarled, malformed fate

Would catch up so fast? 

With the only hiding place

Found in your isolated grave,

I shudder alone in place

Of your body’s indent

In the still-warm dirt 

Willfully drawing out my blood 

Inscribing in the driven snow 

Pitiful litanies

And bloated lamentations

That will never reach you

No matter how much of myself

I continue to shred and shorn away 

The distance stretches out 

And time crawls underneath me

To curl up and die,

Once more screaming

Into the swirling, mirrored stars

The words behind your last kiss;

I’ve lost it all

Again. 

And again

I’m at the foot of the sunken facility 

The tortuous chambers of imposed isolation

The sun-less, distant concrete compound 

Promising the comfort 

Of a new cancer in my lungs

In an ocean-wide slit down my wrists

Of a brand new philosophy spoken by a knife

In the validating assurance

That I’ve tried my best

To become nothing in the end 

But another willfully vivisectioned experiment

Left to no one, to be actualized 

In the perpetual, lonely decay 

The glowing, blood-sucking revelation 

That I’ve lost it all 

Again. 

-

So give me an embalming bath

Perfume me with toxins and carcinogens

Kiss me with a nuclear avalanche 

Open my skull and line my brain with numbing syringes

Extract my spine  

And harvest me for all that you can still find

Give me cancerous spiders

To weave together new, empty lungs

Embrace me with a car crash surgery 

Find me smiling in the cloud of manslaughter

And deliberate, debaucherous destruction 

Deliver me from the day I can’t forget

Carry me, hollowed and defeated, to the entombed moment

Of my failed suicide

And give me another chance

To lose it all

Again. 

Leave me

Once more

To lose you in the murderous rain

Pouring out from the stilted collapse

A gloriously enflamed tumor of time

I’ve lost it all

Even if it still blisters and consumes 

What a strange joy

A manic exuberance

A burden of deluding hysteria 

To live with the knowledge that the longer I hold

Onto the napalmed paradise we shared

The sooner I’ll be overwhelmed

And swallowed up

By the fatality of the still-defiled love

I hold for you. 

Kill me,

I’ve lost it all

Again. 

Kill me and 

Kill me

And 

Kill me and

Kill me 

Again 

Kill me as long as it involves

Your cadaverous touch

Against my flesh once more,

I’m lost in an impossible fog

Breathed out of your ineffable,

Funereal existence, 

There’s not much more to do;

Come close for the last time,

Break my face apart

And kill me to finally let me go.

But don’t turn away, 

I want you to watch 

So I can show you exactly how

To lose it all

Again.

-