Continued Futile Conversation with Myself About an Inescapable Past

 

Unclean

Sinking into the vortex of my bed

The ritual of mud piling up 

Floor flowering and crackling open 

Like a third-degree burn

Sacrificial dolls and mangled puppets

With their heads smashed, eyes replaced with slivers 

Of empty light,

Clutching tarnished mementos,

Worthless, hollow keepsakes;

Crumpled bus tickets 

Pools of ruined mascara 

Smeared across matted, burnt stuffed animals 

Fragments of my skull

Embedded in the holy mortar

Holding up the bombed-out pulpit
Where we stripped each other of time 

And I drank deep the cracked chalice, 

Caked with your serotonin-scented lipstick 

The divine dismantling,

Our marriage to each other’s 

Lonely descent. 

Ancient serpentine symbols regurgitate

A flow of anatomical rearrangements 

Memories cast in amethyst furnaces

Rekindled into a carrion army

Carving out bygone pictures of you 

Out from my waxen epitaph

Fading pitifully

At the bottom of the world.

I still feel you weeping

Somewhere. 

Violently wasting away

Underneath a blackened ocean 

Of chattering hypodermic needles 

Glistening with pulpy extractions,

Tapped-out hollow veins

And pulverized sections of 

Your still-beating heart.

I can hear it every night 

As I swallow it piece by piece

While lithium inside your blood

Carries me off into poisoned swarms 

Of mocking insects 

Methodically burrowing further into my gray flesh.

Sticking their insect limbs out

Like spindly tombstones

Inscribed and buried

Within my rusted nerves

Bleeding out silvery slipstreams of decay

They puppeteer me 

Out into the apocalyptic sideshow 

The forgotten carnival stars 

To witness your naked bruised body 

Continually explode

Through the punctured eye 

Of the murderous sky. 

I run to the epicenter 

With my broken jaw hanging open,

My twisting arms outstretched 

Hoping to feel the warmth of your fallen corpse

Once more. 

Bathed in rose gold

We used to so eagerly 

Consume each other. 

What do I do now

With the fragments left of you

Still suctioned to my seizing body

Underneath the wailing red velvet wound

You tore open through 

The falling sun?

I know how you despise me

But I’m permanently haunted by the absence of you,

Your divine nothingness, your commitment to total 

Oblivion

I was wrong to call upon death 

By my own scabbed, mangled hand

When all I have to do is simply await 

Your beautiful, stomach-churning, parasitic effigy

To fully devour me

From the inside. 

Make me 

Even more hideous

And unclean 

In your image. 

For nothing awaits outside

No more of you drips from the undead cosmos,

There’s no space left in the abyss

For us to escape into together. 

I’ve missed my chance. 

Without your company

During the painstakingly detailed

End of the world,

I resort back to the nightmare chaos

And noisome chambers of personal disfigurement 

Failing to ever conquer this pain,

Only goring myself with the edges of maddening love

You left spiraling out of 

My fetid intestinal tract. 

See my love

Scrawled out jagged and crimson 

Up and down my arms,

Gift me amnesia

And venereal diseases,

Ammonia in my coffee

Ingots in my eyes. 

Redefine me 

In your abyssal secret domain. 

Freezing mist

And thunderous brain fog 

Departs from my scars 

My self-harm methodology

Of attempting to wash you away 

But underneath the layers of sickness

Static

Sewage

And chastorophies 

My body is still feasting on you 

Marking me as

Forever

Unclean.